Monster Energy Absolutely Zero

A Fair & Honest Energy Drink Review

Monster Energy Absolutely Zero Retail Package Description

The Monster Energy Absolutely Zero can looks exactly like I'd imagine a Mortal Kombat Sub-Zero energy drink can to look. It's mostly black, with purple, sky blue and white. The design is frosty, and they did a really good job on making it look really glacial. The rim of the can reads, "Zero Sugar plus Zero Calories plus Zero Sugar plus Zero Calories", which I guess is what constitutes it being "Absolutely Zero" (even though there is 1 carb...shhhh don't tell anyone). There's a big black Monster "M" in the usual place, "Monster" in white, outlined in silver, then black, "Energy" in light blue, outlined in black and "Absolutely Zero" in white, outlined in black.

On the back is the compulsory paragraph touting this unimaginative reformulation of Monster Lo-Carb as the greatest thing since The Olsen Twins sang about pizza. "People have been blowin' up our inbox for years asking for a zero calorie Monster. We got it, but this ain't no soda pop, dude! Making a zero calorie, zero sugar drink that's good enough to earn the Monster "M" ain't that easy. Finally with a re-tooled energy blend, new sweetener system and after hundreds of failed flavors", like Khaos, Assault and Mixxd? "we absolutely got it right!", ok, we can't wait to taste the one you got right, in the meantime, what am I to do with the rest of this can of Absolutely Zero? "Monster Absolutely Zero helps fight fatigue, improves mental performance and focus, motivates you to work (I mean play) harder. So generally you feel pretty damn good." Oooh, they said "damn", they are edgy like the Transformers cartoon movie. "Zero Calories, Zero Sugar. Killer buzz..." There's only one lie in that last bit, can you guess what it is?

Caffeine Addict's Monster Energy Absolutely Zero Review

"People have been blowin' up our inbox for years asking for a zero calorie Monster".

Who are these "people", Nicole Richie and Tara Reid? They're the reason we have things like "Diet Water" and "Water Salad". I have grave concern for anyone so bothered by 20 calories in a 16oz. drink that they'd email Hansen Natural and ask them for a lower calorie alternative. On the other hand, it's possible that not a single person clamored for Monster to make Absolutely Zero, and the marketing department just did a piss poor job of sensationalizing the story on the can.

If any handful of anorexics did mount some 0 calorie uprising, I hope they've learned to be careful what they wish for, because, in the history of Monster's letdowns, Absolutely Zero marks a new low. Any rational person might ask, "Without Steven Seagal being involved, how can this be worse than mixxd?". A just question.

Firstly, Absolutely Zero isn't a new flavor at all, it's Monster Lo-Carb with alternative sweeteners. Nothing on the can clearly indicates that this is, for all intents and purposes, a Lo-Carb reformulation. After I drink it my stomach feels bloated and gurgley, like I haven't eaten in a decade. The aftertaste is akin to brushing with sucralose and club soda. I think Lo-Carb tastes pretty good, Absolutely Zero is merely drinkable. It's so forgettable, I often leave half a can sitting on my desk until bedtime. I've even misplaced one, and opened another drink, then felt bad about pouring out the warm flat remnants because it costs so much.

At first, I thought Monster had just pulled a "New Coke" taste debacle, but on top of producing an "all new" product that's essentially the same as another, with some minor taste inferiorities, they nerfed the energy blend as well.

The "Original Monster" energy blend has 1g of taurine per serving, 200mg of panax ginseng and 2.5g of other stuff. Absolutely Zero moves taurine and ginseng into the proprietary blend information, which, as a whole, only contains 1.3g. While taurine is as scientifically proven as pixie dust at giving you energy, and I'd rather have a temporary tattoo from a cracker jack box than panax ginseng, the fact is, these "active ingredients" are still in this 1.3g "proprietary blend". If the order of the ingredients is any indication of their volume, taurine and ginseng are the first two listed, guarana is second to last. While I commend them for finally branching out from the original "proprietary Monster energy blend", I don't commend them for screwing it up royally. There's nothing to commend, like a teenager that stops leaving dirty clothes on the floor, but starts pooping in the hamper.

Truth-be-told, this wouldn't be a catastrophic failure from a start-up company. I'd even give them a chance of staying around and making some money. Monster is an industry leader, it can't produce products that would "be OK for a startup company". They essentially have unlimited resources for product and brand development, and what are the fruits of their labor? A college project that deserves a B minus.

Energy Junkie's Monster Energy Absolutely Zero Review

I'll start with validating that Monster Absolutely Zero tastes so nearly identical to Lo-Carb that I was certain Lo-Carb had inadvertently been put into my Absolutely Zero can. To ensure I wasn't crazy, and I rarely do this, I turned to the internet. Nearly everything I found about Absolutely Zero was accompanied with some confounded response of it tasting nearly identical to Lo-Carb. So, if you didn't like Lo-Carb, and were hoping that Absolutely Zero would be a new 0 calorie alternative, remain dispirited, there's no alternative from Monster on the horizon.

Why the excitement about a new diet Monster, and why the disappointment of it being just like Lo-Carb?

Check the product line, unlike many energy drinks, Monster doesn't make a Lo-Carb alternative for all of it's flavors. Lo-Ball, at least in the early days, was an elusive (and I questioned it even existed) lo-cal version of the Java Monster line, and still contains 100 calories and 12 carbs per can. Khaos, M-80, Assault, Mixxd...none of these come in a lo-carb version (thankfully, IMHO).

With this in mind, and considering the only other diet Monster alternative is Import Light, which we've yet to review, but the label leads us to believe that it's a reformulation of the original with varying quantities of sucrose and sucralose. Additionally, Import Light contains about 60 calories and 14g of carbs per can. Like Lo-Ball, questionable if you're goal is to burn fat. In short, Monster comes in a myriad of sugared flavors, but if you don't want 50g of sugar, you have now have 3 variations of the same base flavor (1 of which is completely unnecessary...I'm not naming any names, but it's this one). Is it too much to ask to just get another flavor? I'd have been more pleased had they just shoved the old Lo-Carb "sweetener system" into Dub Edition and called it done.

As Jason described in the video review, this "energy blend" is just a giant step backwards. While some places have these on sale 2/$3, all the 16oz. Monsters are 2/$3, which means Lo-Carb (a superior product) is also 2/$3. In a store that has both Lo-Carb and Absolutely Zero, there is never any reason to buy Absolutely Zero.

I know, hardcore Monster fans are going to want to try it for themselves, so I guess that's a reason to put it in C-store refrigerators, but after an initial surge in interest, I would expect recurring sales to be dismal. I think Monster would be far better suited to drop Absolutely Zero (and Mixxd) and make Dub Edition a permanent fixture.