Monster Hitman

A Fair & Honest Energy Drink Review

Monster Hitman Retail Package Description

Monster Hitman, the one with sugar, which accounts for a whopping 25 calories more than the lo-carb version, is a 3 fl. oz. bottle (89ml). The bottle measures about 4.75" tall with a radius of about .5" (or a diameter of 1", for those who aren't intuitively math inclined). A standard 5 hour energy is approximately the same radius/diameter, but is about 1.25" shorter. This makes Monster Hitman look a little like a high caliber bullet, which may be how they arrived at the name "hitman". Nonetheless, the bottle is all black. As if the fridge stickers of women with half the bottom of their boob out, or with a Monster shoved in a thong aren't enough, there are shiny things (silver and what I now refer to as "Monster Green") to catch the eye of people who are probably too young to be drinking Monster products anyway. There's a big scope graphic surrounding the "Monster Claw" "M" on the front. The sticker has a silver border. Under the logo, in white, it says, "Monster", below that, in green, outlined in silver, it says "Hitman", and further still under that, in white, "Energy Shooter". In the top left, in silver, it says, "Energy Supplement". The back has some garbage written, and I'll regurgitate it here, "Caution Potent: Limit intake to maximum of 1 bottle every 4 hours. Do not combine with other caffeinated products. Too much caffeine may cause nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness, and occasionally rapid heartbeat. Not recommended", (cough) but marketed toward (cough), "children, pregnant women, or people sensitive to caffeine."

Caffeine Addict's Monster Hitman Review

This energy shot is very sweet and thick. I enjoy the flavor, it's not bitter, like many energy drinks. This could be due to a inordinate amount of glucose and sucrose, or it could be skimping on the caffeine. They certainly aren't skipping on is taurine (2g) or panax ginseng (400mg), which it would seem equates to nearly 2.5g of virtually wasted bottle space, IMHO.

While it tastes pretty good and the stats all seem in order, nothing about this drink hit me as profoundly powerful. Drank it after a good night's sleep, had a lot of things to do, drank it relatively quickly and it just never "kicked in". Sure, I never got tired, and it managed to keep me from getting a caffeine headache, but for $3.29, I expect a little more.

This product is packaged well, and tastes good, compared to other energy shots. Personally, I chuckle a little inside each time I see a untouched rack full of these collecting dust (along with the Red Bull shots). The 3 oz. approach, and shiny packaging are a desperate plea for attention. There attempt to nose in on the already established "5 hour energy" market is pitiable, like the "Ronald McDonald Miller" scam in "Can't Buy Me Love". Whatever happened to Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson) anyway? While it's great that Patrick Dempsey parlayed his roles of throwing bags of dog poop on doors and sleeping with married women as a pizza delivery guy into an "acting career", I think the better half of that lovely '87 coming-of-age-paying-for-popularity-comedy may have well gotten the shaft. Either way, I don't think Patrick Dempsey or Amanda Peterson would drink Monster Hitman, and I'll only drink it again, if Monster starts using a portion of the proceeds to find Amanda Peterson...and make a "Can't Buy Me Love 2".

With a $3.29 price tag, there should be lots of profits. One trick about net profit is that you have to sell products, or markup is irrelevant. At least around here, this product seems to be doing poorly. I wiped dust of this bottle cap. Then again, checking out at the convenience store is becoming a daunting task. If they setup many more horny goat weed, ginseng power, weight loss pills, and energy shots to accompany the relatively new lotto ticket dispensers, the sales clerks are likely to go missing...like Amanda Peterson. With that many products, the store counters are starting to look more like a mini flea market, and to me, it all just looks like dust covered garbage. So, just like anything available at the flea market (besides Laserdisc copies of "Can't Buy Me Love"), you'll find Monster Hitman is a cheap knockoff that leaves you disappointed.

Energy Junkie's Monster Hitman Review

How to start? Maybe by saying that Monster Hitman is a waste of money. A hurried response to a multi-million dollar energy shot market that Monster overlooked as clearly as Pepsi overlooked energy drinks the better part of a decade ago. Monster, along with Red Bull, NOS, and about 5 other "late-to-market" players have been vying for that coveted counter space next to C-store checkout. Where does Hitman succeed? At being shiny. Where does Hitman fail? Everywhere else.

If Mixxd and Rumba Energy Juice weren't so bad, I'd say Hitman is the worst drink Hansen Natural has ever created. Let me be clear, it doesn't taste bad, and it works ok, but it's $3.29. To boot, it tastes like a less appetizing version of Carabao, M-150 and a slew of other 3.3-8.3 oz. Asian energy drinks that can often be purchased at the asian market for around $1. On top of that, I didn't find it any more energizing than those products. In fact, I'll take a 79 cent 3.3oz. Bacchus over a $3.29 3oz. Hitman any day.

Sure, this shooter works, if by "works", you mean it accomplishes something akin to its goal, with no regard to cost. If that's the case, the US welfare, social security program and postal service all "work" as well. As a numbers guy, I like to think there's some consideration for return on investment. For $3.29, this drink provides a taste that's better than most energy shots (which isn't saying a lot), and an experience that's not.

I'm hoping that Monster Nitrous isn't as disappointing as this product. It's currently unavailable in my area, and Monster (unlike Starbuck's, Mountain Dew, and a gaggle of other major players) doesn't feel like making the product available to us prior to release is a worthwhile endeavor. With regards to Monster Hitman, it's probably just as well they didn't get it to us early on, we likely could have helped a lot of people steer clear of this impulse-buy debacle.