Roaring Lion

A Fair & Honest Energy Drink Review

Roaring Lion Retail Package Description

Ok, so the information I received about Roaring Lion indicated that its creators had some hand in Red Bull. I'll admit, I received this drink in the mail some time around the paleozoic era. It was part of a "comare to red bull" promotion. That brings us to the packaging. Firstly, putting the Roaring Lion packaging next to Red Bull packaging (as far as branding goes), is a bad idea. Red Bull's success is 90 percent image, and 10 percent consumer ignorance. Now, the 12oz. can does dwarf the Red Bull 8.3oz. offering, but otherwise, the packaging of the "energy challenge" was a bad idea. The logo looks a great deal like a constipated lion agonizingly battling the subjugation of an epic turd. Also, there are some tire tracks running over the severed lion neck. The can is mostly blue, the digestively bound lion head is in yellow, and the tire tracks are in grey. The text reads, "Original Formula", "With Taurine", "Roaring Lion", "Fly Twice as HiiiGH" (we assume this is some reference to Red Bull giving you wings), "Energy Drink" and the end of the front of the can text reads, "12 fl oz (355ml)". On the reverse, "Roaring Lion Energy Drink", following by, "Increases performance, especially during times of increased stress or strain. Improves endurance. Activates the metabolism. Improves concentration and reaction speed. Lightly carbonated. Serve chilled. Refrigerate after opening."

Caffeine Addict's Roaring Lion Review

Give the Stig some poorly sealed strawberry preserves that result in some mildly bloody vomiting spells, and you never hear the end of it.

I got about 4 of these "energy challenge" packages, so I could decide if this was better than Red Bull. In 2006, I wasn't the responsible energy drink reviewer that I am today, I almost immediately opened the packages and drank both the Red Bull and the Roaring Lion, assuming that both of them would logically be more affective than either of them consumed independently. In retrospect, I realize that this defeats the purpose.

Using this handy contraption called 'algebra', I can prove that Roaring Lion > Red Bull. So, what do we know? We know that Red Bull alone 5uX0rZ. So, since 5uX0rZ has an 'X' in it, we'll make Red Bull 'X'. We don't know if Roaring Lion 5uX0rZ, but we do know that the severed lion head that's battling kidney stones is yellow, so we'll make Roaring Lion 'Y'. So, we need to prove that Y > X.

So, disregarding that Roaring Lion is already almost 150% the size of Red Bull, they taste the same, and Roaring Lion costs a whole heap less (which is a lot to disregard) let's assume all other things are equal, and we only care about whether Roaring Lion is more energizing than Red Bull. Since I've consumed Red Bull independently, I know the energy effectiveness of Red Bull (X) and we can logically conclude the effectiveness of 2 Red Bulls (2X). Also, since I've consumed Red Bull and Roaring Lion together, I can speak of the energy effectiveness of combining the two (X+Y).

Well, simply stated, since you're probably a n00b, and won't understand anything much more complicated:

X+Y > 2X
or
(X+Y) > (X+X)
so, we take away an X from both sides of our equation
(X+Y)-X>(X+X)-X
and we get
Y>X

Now, factor in that the Roaring Lion bottles are 16.9oz, while the cans we sampled are 12oz (40 percent) larger.

Y > 1.4(X)

Now that you only get about .75 fl. oz. of Red Bull for the price of 1oz. of Roaring Lion.

Y > 1.4(X)/.75

We end with something along the lines of

Y > 1.8667(X)

So, if you're drinking Red Bull, stop throwing your money away, and at least start drink Roaring Lion instead. Remember, my value rating is based on 16.9oz. for $1.50. The review specs are based on the product we acquired in 2006.

Energy Junkie's Roaring Lion Review

Let me start by saying that this review was supposed to be for Battery Energy Drink, but someone dropped the ball on getting all the information to me. For that reason, I'm completely phoning in this review.

Jason got Roaring Lion in the mail sometime in 2006, I'll be surprised if I don't get botulism and vomit it back up with the delicious 7 ingredient dip I ate earlier (the 7 ingredient dip was formerly 7 layer dip before the party host got wasted and stirred it up). I started by wiping 2 years of Jason's pantry filth off the packaging, and throwing away the Red Bull that occupied the other half of the "energy challenge" box. I took a minute to imagine the lion sitting on the toilet being tormented by a diet that's too rich in cheeses. Which gave me an idea for a cartoon involving a lion that eats cheese and has problems pooping. That's really all I came up with so far, but I think Samuel L. Jackson should do the voice, and there should be a old closet that's a passage to a fantasy world filled with fiber-rich cheeses.

Anyway, back to the drink that no one cares about, or has ever heard of. This is Red Bull in a bigger can. That's really all I have to say about it. They're as dissimilar as Pepsi and Coke, Mike Tyson and Kobe Bryant, or cat and chicken. What are the only notable differences? The can, which I think we've done a moderate job of picking apart, and the price. 12oz. cans are available in 24 packs for $2/each, and 16.9oz bottles are available in 24 packs for $1.50 each. $1.50 for 16.9oz of generic Red Bull in a resealable bottle for less than 8.3oz of real Red Bull in a crappy can. I can't see any other way to completely phone in this review than to mirror our previous Red Bull ratings exactly (except for value), and offer a stern textual reprimand for package/logo design. Also, watch out for the sodium content, you could tan leather with this stuff.