Rockstar Punched

A Fair & Honest Energy Drink Review

Rockstar Punched Retail Package Description

All black, red, and silver. It screams power! I believe the can is the best looking of the entire rockstar series. The top can writing reads "Caffeine, Guarana, Ginseng, B-Vitamins, Taurine". Apparently Kanye West wrote their motivational blurb, as it starts off, "Bigger. Better. Faster. Stronger.", the Kanye West reference falls apart after that, but the motivational passage continues, "PUNCHED (yes, it's in all caps) is a mix of amazing tasting tropical punch flavors packed with the powerful energy blend of Original Rockstar. Enhanced with the potent herbal blend of Guarana, Ginkgo, Ginseng and Milk Thistle, PUNCHED (again with the caps lock) is scientifically formulated to provide an incredible energy boost for those who lead active and exhausting lifestyles-from athletes to rock stars. Enjoy this fully refreshing, lightly carbonated beverage super chilled. PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR. This is followed by the usual mess about "not being evaluated by the FDA, and that the product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. I wonder if Dr. Pepper can do any of those things.

Caffeine Addict's Rockstar Punched Review

For those posers who need to mix alcohol with energy drinks, I'd imagine this would be a universal mixer. Only one problem, you have to find it. Like Rockstar Cola, this stuff is elusive. I think it's kept in the place where Hitler, Elvis, and your mom are hiding out. Not to mention, it's a lot cooler to mix extra cool drinks with Red Bull. That's why you go home alone every night, you're too cool for anyone at that lame club. No one even paid you special attention when we overtly ordered a round of Jager Bombs, confidently displaying you have no idea that you're paying top-shelf prices for fermented licorice and deer piss, of which 2 shots has about as much alcohol as a 12 oz. can of Colt 45. Now, I'll let you get back to ordering a round of the other two drinks you've overheard other people order, I need to complete my energy drink review.

Like the other Rockstar beverages, this has a respectable blend of energizing ingredients. 240mg of caffeine in a carbonated fruit punch is like putting 4.2 L V6 in your grandmother's Rascal. It's loaded with other goodies, guarana, ginkgo, taurine, it lacks nothing I expect from a company that claims to help you "PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR".

When I think of the number of grotesque energy drinks for which I've ponied up $2, spending $2 on Rockstar Punched Energy Plus Punch makes me feel warm inside like the following 1986 Folgers commercial:

Energy Junkie's Rockstar Punched Review

Rockstar Breakfast is no longer being served, prepared to be BRUNCHED, in the face! This has an wesome taste that indeed PUNCHES you directly in the face. This carbonated PUNCH does not suffer the same chalky/gritty/laboratory tasting fate that I find befall most carbonated tropical fruit drinks. It goes down smoothly, and turns your teeth stop sign red (if you don't live in the United States, we American punters have 8 sided bright red signs to indicate you should come to a stop. Yes, far inferior to the roundabout, I know). You might note that having fire engine red teeth is not particularly desirable. Well, on the upside, you'll be able to see where you're not brushing properly, and save a trip to the dentist. I can assure you, if you missed the gum line, people will swear you have Periodontitis, or you've eaten a bowl of glass.

This is an energizing beverage. It really packs a PUNCH. I enjoyed the flavor, drank it quickly, and had energy to spare.

This product will cost you about $5, $2 for the drink, and $3 for a travel toothbrush kit to avoid being further ridiculed by your classmates or coworkers. Now if I could only convince them I've also learned to wipe properly.