Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink

A Fair & Honest Energy Drink Review

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink Retail Package Description

Steven, in all his humility opted to not appear on the can, instead, Butch Patrick is featured in his Eddie Munster attire, with some rambling about natural botanicals, and Steven Seagal's signature. This makes sense, since Herman Munster required lightning to be awakened from the dead.

Somehow the full name of this drink requires 8 english words, but only one Japanese character. Apparently "Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink" merits its own character in the Japanese alphabet.

Otherwise, the can is blue, black and gold, and makes me want to watch "Karate Kid".

The can states that "This long lasting energy elixir is made with ingredients from all over the globe" (I think some of the ingredients went bad in transit) "Sweetened with all natural imported organic evaporated cane juice crystals" (If by "cane juice crystals" you mean "rat feces")

Caffeine Addict's Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink Review

Thanks to Steven Seagal, I had to extend the name field in my database to fit his verbose energy drink name.

This drink is everything I expected from the great actor, writer, director, musician, theologian, sex symbol, and father to many Steven Seagal. Like molasses and dishwater, this drink neither satisfies the taste buds, nor the nostrils in the process of being choked down. Of 99 energy drinks reviewed, and probably 200 assorted flavors sampled, this is, to my knowledge, the first energy drink I did not finish. I even tried the Kobayashi shake, but nothing was keeping this down. I was as nauseated as if I'd tried to watch a Steven Seagal movie, namely anything he wrote, produced, and "acted" in. There's only one word I can use to describe "Steven Seagal's Lighting Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink", "Seagalicious" (which is also a great deal shorter than the actual name) This word got me to thinking, if a song as turdy as "Fergilicious" can get air time, and a drink this bad could get on the shelf at Walmart, maybe I can capitalize on the foolish American consumer, while summing up Steven's entire Wikipedia profile.

I'm Seagalicious (bigamistic)
environmentally conscientious
I be up in the dojo just working on my aikido
direct-to-video (oooh wee)
I knocked up Kelly LeBrock Brock
And they be lining down the block to see me portray another cop (four, tres, two, uno)

[Chorus]
So delicious (I'm hot, hot)
So delicious (I play blues, not rock, rock)
So delicious (auditioned for Time Cop)
I'm Seagalicious (hold hold hold hold hold up, check it out)

I have no idea if this is chocked full of energy, of course, I don't know if shoe polish is either, and I'll likely never find out.

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink is highway robbery even at $.89, and would be even still if it included a PSP copy of "Under Siege". Maybe he should try putting Marilyn Munster on the can.

Energy Junkie's Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink Review

Over the course of the day, I force-fed myself Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink, in a Genpuku-like right of passage, which Tom Cruise would know nothing about, and Steven would back me up on that. When it was over, I would have preferred some ritualistic scarification, or being tossed to the crocodiles.

I'm sorry, was I saying something? I drifted off there for a minute. Apparently cordyceps are draining all my energy.

The only value I can place on this drink is its novelty and humor value. Both of which could be easily eclipsed with a Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, or Susan Sarandon energy drink.