Monster Rehab Protean

A Fair & Honest Energy Drink Review

Monster Rehab Protean Retail Package Description

Monster Rehab Protean Plus Energy comes in a can similar to the original Monster Rehab Tea Plus Lemonade. The obvious differences are that this can is blue instead of yellow. Additionally, where lemonade tea touts its 10 calories, Protean touts it's 15g of protein. The theme of the sophomoric motivational blurb on the back, is the same, the in(un)famous "Vegas Poor Party". Why not just write some garbage on the can about my sister-in-law's annual family fourth of July party? At least they have tea, and most likely, more people actually know about it. In either case, here's their dumb text, "After raging all night, our friends at the Vega Rehab pool party are always looking fresh poolside the next day. Not wanting to be outdone, we created Monster Rehab Protean Plus Energy. Combining the recovery benefits of protein (no inferior soy here) with the hydration and energy you need to recharge. Monster Rehab Protean packs a triple threat that quenches thirst, hydrates like a sports drink, and brings you back after a hard day's night. Monster Rehab Protean Plus Energy: Refresh, Re-Hydrate, Re-Vive or in other words, Re-habilitate with a hiller mix of tea, protein, electrolytes, and our bad-ass Monster Rehab energy blend to fire you up. Rehab the Beast!"

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go cry for humanity.

Caffeine Addict's Monster Rehab Protean Review

Today we're reviewing the third of four Monster Rehab tea, energy re-hydration drinks. This one contains 15g of protein per can, so they cleverly named it "Protean Plus Energy". You see what they did there?

The protein plays the biggest role in my enjoyment of this drink, or lack thereof, but we'll get back to that. The tea flavor isn't pronounced at all. The initial flavor is more akin to a watered down berry beverage than tea. As I'm chugging it down, it seems light and refreshing. Then, like Jim Jones Kool- Aid, the secret ingredient rears it's ugly head.

Too soon?

For me, the protein collects into some gelatinous bit that resembles the chewier parts of an oyster. Then there's a dry chalky after sensation, like I've been drinking Parmesan cheese. In short, Monster executed 15g of protein in their energy tea far less successfully than Xapp executed 25g of protein in their caffeinated protein energy drink. As a result, this is my least favorite Monster Rehab drink, and my least favorite protein energy drink.

Like all Monster carbonated drinks, coffee and tea products, I've got no problems with the energizing ingredients. As for value, almost every convenience store in my area have these priced at $2.49, but, despite having no signs about a sale or promotion, without fail, when I get to the counter, the attendant is like, "You know, those are 2/$4?". To which I respond, "An obvious assumption, since I'm holding 1 for $2.49. I'd also like to pay MSRP for this Ace of Base CD I picked up from your $3 music and pork skins trough". I'm fine with Rehab drinks for $2, but my preference is always going to be the lemonade flavor.

In closing, since everyone gets sand in their craw when I badmouth Monster, I want to reiterate that the whole "Vegas Pool Party" drivel on the back of the can barely deserves a passing grade as a final project in a freshman intro to marketing class.

Energy Junkie's Monster Rehab Protean Review

I commend Monster for bringing a Protein energy drink to the market, albeit, after Xapp Protein Energy with Caffeine
, less energizing than Xapp, with a less savory taste than Xapp, and with protein that doesn't go down as smoothly as Xapp. But, and this is where Monster trumps Xapp (sarcasm, btw) it's usually 10 cent cheaper, and it has tea in it. Oh, actually, I know why it's better, it contains Goji berry, an ingredient also found in Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink, perhaps the worst energy drink ever made.

Seriously though, not impressed. As the Monster Rehab carnival rolls through town, and I try more of them, I'm more convinced they should have left well enough alone with the original Lemonade Arnold Palmer Tea ripoff they came out with last year. I've had all of the flavors except the Orangeade, which I've yet to see available in my geographic area, and they have been less appealing in the order I've had them. Firstly, and most enjoyably the Lemonade Tea, secondly, and certainly drinkable the Rojo, thirdly, and becoming unsavory, Green Tea, lastly, this mess, the Protean protein tea. I'm not particularly looking forward to Orangeade, but it's probably better than the last two, and I can't imagine it not being better than Rockstar Iced Peach Tea, which I've had and didn't enjoy, but have not yet reviewed.

In either case, the protein is just there, I don't see how you can avoid it. About half way through the can, it felt like I had an enormous loogie in the back of my throat. The aftertaste was more of an aftertingle. I haven't had Teaberry gum in years, but something about either the taste or the aftertaste of Monster Rehab Protean brings Teaberry gum to mind. This drink is not completely offensive, but it's one of my least favorite Monster drinks, and I've never needed 15g of protein enough to choke down the chunky protein buildup.

I believe $2 (which is the price we're reviewing these, as apparently there's an undocumented universal 2 for $4 sale on these) is a fare price for Monster Rehab drinks. I can't imagine a lot of people who aren't involved in bodybuilding or fitness caring a great deal about the protein, and I neither imagine a great deal of people finding this flavor more appetizing than the others. Additionally, the extra 40 calories per serving should turn away a lot of people interested in Rehab's otherwise mainstay 10 calorie value proposition.