Nitrous Monster Super Dry

A Fair & Honest Energy Drink Review

Nitrous Monster Super Dry Retail Package Description

The can is lots of fun, like the newer pressure-capped Monster XXL, which seemed to come around shortly after the Jolt Energy cans, which were the first I'd seen using this technology. The noteable difference being that Monster Nitrous is 12oz. can, so it's like the 24oz. cans that have been put in the dryer...which doesn't really make sense, since aluminum doesn't "draw up" in the dryer. It's not like these cans are made out of wool.

Anyway, lots of fancy modern grafixx on the can, a mishmash of green and black indicating that Monster has gotten a great graphics intern with a lot of Adobe Illustrator layer experience. Yeah right, Monster probably farmed out this job to some marketing firm and paid like $50k to get this can made, which may explain why they cost $3 each. Meanwhile, vector graphics of this quality are available online for $10 each with unrestricted use. Who am I to criticize, I can't charge $3 for a 12oz. drink and rook people into buying it.

Alright, so as for the rest of the can, it comes with a plastic film cover over the cap, which is somewhere around impossible to remove. I had to use scissors/nail clippers to get into each and every one. Even after cutting it, it still spirals off like peeling a spherical fruit/vegetable. So, the front of the can is bright Monster green, with "Super Dry" in some graffiti font, under the Monster "Claw", "Nitrous" is written in the same font. Then "Monster Energy" appears in the standard format. Moving onto the back, where Hansen Natural certainly has something longwinded to say, "Nitrous Monster Energy - Nitrous Oxide makes your car faster at the Drags", ('Drags?' Is that supposed to be hip lingo?), "but put it in a drink? Call us crazy, but we combined Nitrous Oxide with Carbon Dioxide in a precise ratio and injected it into our potent Monster Energy base", (usually referred to as "proprietary blend"), "Nitrous Monster has a unique texture, smooth drinkable flavor and buzz that's bigger than ever. This is no "Whip-it", but it will whip you good...Unleash the Nitro Beast!". Who writes this stuff?

Caffeine Addict's Nitrous Monster Super Dry Review

I have no idea what nitrogenating water is supposed to accomplish. On top of that, I complained about 15oz. Java Monster Mean Bean costing $2.79, it was 3oz. bigger, and contained milk (which thousands of arguments confirm should cost more than regular unleaded gasoline by the galloon). Nitrous Monster costs $2.99 for 12oz. That's Red Bull prices. So, before we even get past first base (which I think is hand holding/necking), I don't recommend you buy this product.

Imagine we live in a fantasy world where Hansen admits that Joker Mad Energy is essentially the same drink as Monster, only a fraction of the price. Then imagine they make a Nitrous Joker Mad Energy that costs $1, and that I bought a can. I'd absolutely love the flavor. This drink has 38g of sugar and an undisclosed amount of sucralose for additional sweetness. I'd normally say that's overtly sweet, but it's possible that the sucralose makes it extra sweet without being too syrupy. While I like the flavor, I need a glass of water to wash it down. This time of year, my allergies get pretty bad. It almost seems like Nitrous Monster chemically bonds with my sinus drainage to make an unswallowable/unhockable sludge that serves to constantly clog my air passage. Ultimately, I think "Super Dry" is a very fitting name.

Whatever they do to carbonate/nitrogenate this drink, it does have a different fizz than other drinks. I'll admit I enjoyed what I'll describe as the "texture" of the drink. It doesn't seem to go flat quickly. The drink smells very fruity, and almost smells like it should have coconut in it. I think the best way to describe the flavor is to take a gas station slurpy (the kind where you squirt the flavor syrup in yourself), triple the recommended amount of lime syrup, over-carbonate it and enchant it to add +1 strength and +1 agility to your off-hand weapon.

I feel pretty energized when I drink Nitrous Monster...I mean fictional Nitrous Joker Mad Energy. I don't get all jittery, but I also feel plenty awake and alert.

While this drink is good, I feel that you're paying for the packaging, gimmicky 'nitrogenation' and the fat salaries of the people who get paid mad loot to devise things you'll pay 600% retail markups for. So, while I'll be giving this excellent marks for taste and energy, at $3, this drink is absolute rubbish for the discriminating energy drink consumer.

Energy Junkie's Nitrous Monster Super Dry Review

Fistly, I just noticed on this can that this Monster is made by the "Monster Beverage Company". Not sure how long that's been going on. I guess the further they get away from the value proposition/mission statement of Hansen Natural, it makes sense to distance themselves from their only profitable venture. Of course, they surely aren't aloof about their relationship with Monster on the Hansen "Investor Relations" page. I guess Monster is 100% "Monster Beverage Company", except on all matters relating to who formulates it, produces it, packages it, and gets all the money.

Disregarding my personal politics about Hansen/Monster, Nitrous is a quality product. It tastes like an overly carbonated Mountain Dew/Sun Drop mix. Very tart, and tingly. I don't particularly think the green can tastes like original Monster, which is sort of what I expected. Don't get me wrong, I like original Monster, but I was pleasantly surprised. I thought this drink tasted better than I expected. It's very thick, which should be apparent from the reasonable helping of 38g of sugar and 300mg of sodium. I think it's a fun sipping drink, but guzzling it down does little to quench your thirst, in fact, like drinking sea water, this might actually serve to further dehydrate you...I guess eventually causing dementia.

I have no idea what all the rambling on about nitrous oxide, 'drags' and 'whip-its' is about. I guess Monster is just trying too hard to try to seem cool to their 12-14 year old target market. At least it's more on target than that calamity of an ad campaign 5-hour energy is using to alienate that very aforementioned market. On that note, I'm not sure where Monster is going with this 'whip-it' thing. Why would I want my energy drink to make me feel sleepy/lazy and laugh hysterically like a jackass while my friends and I debate the finer points of parts of our anatomy we, in our ignorance, believe are otherwise unnamed? (Which Nitrous Monster doesn't do at all) Like smoking pot, huffing gas and other things that make you more stupid than you already are, 'whip-its' is an excuse to not do something constructive, while you talk about 'your band', the same one you've been talking about for 4 years, meanwhile you know 6 lead-guitarists, don't have a single song written, have only done covers of Tool songs (who are so old now, no one in an audience would even know who they are)...trust me, I spent last weekend driving teenagers around and giving them free candy, if you're not the Jonas brothers, you're 'music my parents listen to'.

At $3/can, I'd have to have done some 'Whip-its' to pay that much for this drink. It's a great drink, and works great. Unfortunately, there are 50 cent drinks, made by the same company, like Joker Mad Energy that fit that very bill. Is Nitrous Monster better? Sure, I think it tastes better, and probably has more of a punch, but $2.50 better?