Java Monster Coffee Lo-Ball

A Fair & Honest Energy Drink Review

Java Monster Coffee Lo-Ball Retail Package Description

Mostly white can with a light tan, wood-grainish can with the recognizable gold Monster rip gold "M", and Java Monster logo. The can trimmings are in dark brown. The back of the can reads, "How low can you go? Ounce for ounce Java Monster already has way less fat and calories than 'Mega Bucks'" (ouch, sick burn), " bottled coffee. So why make Lo-Ball? Because our fearless leader is a health fanatic, who counts calories like they are $100 bills." It goes on to talk candidly about the Art vs. Science in the Art vs. Science section, "Seriously, making a low calorie coffee plus energy drink that tastes good and works aint that easy. Java Monster Lo-Ball sets a new standard for taste and effectiveness. While no Mona Lisa, Lo-Ball is truly a work of art with a little science thrown in for good measure."

Caffeine Addict's Java Monster Coffee Lo-Ball Review

I've found in life that I'm not right about a great deal of things, but one thing I can say with great confidence that I was right about is the success of Monster. Think Red Bull still runs the show? You've been living under a rock since about 2004. Check the numbers, Red Bull didn't make a 12 oz. (became available about 2 years ago) version and 16 oz. version (late 2007) because they thought it was a brilliant industry-leading idea. No, they lowered their heads in shame, and followed Monster's lead (which they should have done 5 years ago before they started losing mad market share to Monster). Here's another question, how long are Coca-Cola and Pepsi going to continue to sit in the corner with their thumbs in their boots while Monster continues to grow an enormous, industry controlling brand? Coca-Cola has at least made a reasonable attempt to throw a hat in the arena with the Full Throttle Series, and Pepsi is trying to throw money at the problem by parading Dale Earnhardt Jr. around in a Mountain Dew AMP car, and haphazardly promoting Pepsi Max as an energy drinkish thing. Both efforts have resulted in an otherwise non-convenience-store-centric natural beverage company, who's 1997 mission statement was to "develop and market a unique full line of high quality pasteurized juices and refreshing soft drinks made "The Natural Way" ... without preservatives, caffeine, sodium, refined sugar, artificial flavors or colors" making a product, that goes completely against their mission statement, which has utterly annihilated the efforts of the aforementioned market savvy industry giants. Interestingly, I assume in an attempt to save face on their mission statement, Hansen's Natural Beverage, has never been very open about being associated with Monster Energy, ...Lost Energy, Rumba, or Joker Mad Energy. Only using their website to tout their Hansen's Natural Energy, which we've never even bothered to review.

Though I will admit the rate at which Monster is putting out new flavors smells of cannibalizing their own market, I've yet to be disappointed with any of their recent offerings.

On a positive marketing note, it also appears that Monster has, for the most part, stopped using scantily clad skanks in their ad campaign (which real investors consider a cheap marketing ploy, and demonstrates an otherwise weak product development, advertising and distribution agenda).

So, where am I going with this? We've established that Hansen Beverage company has successfully infertilized the efforts of Coke and Pepsi to get a foothold in a sector within their own industry; a sector which is essentially still based on sugar and caffeine water. So, what does Java Monster have to do with this? Enter Starbucks, who, in my opinion, might as well be collecting their less desirable bottled coffee beverages from convenience store and grocery store shelves, because, much like Red Bull, their offering is inferior in every way. Starbucks beverages are smaller, less energizing, more expensive, and with the introduction of Lo-Ball not even in the same ballpark when it comes to calories (Even Starbucks' Mocha Lite contains 100 calories in 9.5oz. compared to Monster Lo-Ball's 15oz offering for the same 100 calories. FYI, the Caramel Starbucks bottled Frappuccino has 200 calories per 9.5oz.). With the exception of the Strawberry Crème, and Vanilla, Monster also offers a comparable array of flavors as well.

If you haven't surmised already, I love Lo-Ball. At first, I was slightly concerned, because it burned when I peed after I drank the first one, but I had a second the next day and determined that the burning sensation (and itching) was likely related to another, unrelated incident. I've since had no reoccurrence of painful urination in and around the time I've consumed a Java Monster Lo-Ball.

The taste is past pleasant, it's goes down smooth with little or no artificial sweetener aftertaste. It also seems equally as creamy tasting as the other Java Monster offerings, but not as thick/dense, which makes it feel less heavy going down.

As for energy, after one night with 4 hours of sleep, and a second night with 5.5 hours of sleep, I was able to function normally while negotiating important legal and financial documents without fatigue.

At $1.99, buy one, they might as well be giving it away. Speaking of buying something, here's a word of advice to Coke and Pepsi, buy the Monster brand and save yourself further embarrassment. Seriously, you guys are getting pwned like Paypal pwned Western Union.

Energy Junkie's Java Monster Coffee Lo-Ball Review

Firstly, let me say, you may not have seen this drink in stores. I've only seen it in one, and they appear to be lucky enough to get a regular supply. This flavor is not even featured on their website. That being said, you should be looking for it. Essentially, take the Java Monster Coffee Energy Mean Bean, cut the calories per serving in half, barely alter the flavor, and put it within reach of my greedy little hands for $1.99, and it's on like neck bone. I'd equate Java Monster Coffee Energy Lo-Ball to a magic Meatlovers Pizza Hut Pan Pizza that magically is 200 calories per slice. I was going to equate it to Dragonforce "Through the Fire and the Flames", but there's not really even a magical way to reduce its caloric value, so we'll have to say Dragonforce is like the other three Java Monster flavors.

It goes down smoothly, and if I were given a blind taste test, firstly, I'd be concerned as to why I couldn't see, if that fear subsided, I'd have a hard time identifying which of the Java Monster flavors is "lo-cal", unless the conductor of the study handed it to me and muttered, "This isn't the lo-cal one" while snickering uncontrollably. Essentially, I think it tastes like a cold, scrumptious coffee drink with a hint of caramel that goes down smoothly and refreshingly.

With this drink available (at least to me) at $1.99, it's an exceptional value, and possibly even rivals the original Monster offerings in its value proposition.