Java Monster Coffee Nut-Up

A Fair & Honest Energy Drink Review

Java Monster Coffee Nut-Up Retail Package Description

Nut-Up is the most "turd" colored of all the Java Monster cans. The can is the color of a nice juicy brown log. It is accented with a still darker (perhaps bleeding-ulcer-colored) poo brown and bronzey color. The configuration of the can, orientation and position of text is nearly identical to Java Monster Coffee Energy Mean Bean, Java Monster Coffee Energy Loca Moca, Java Monster Coffee Energy Big Black and Java Monster Coffee Energy Lo-Ball.

Nut-up appears to be so uninspired that it didn't even get its own original can "flavor text". It appears to be the same as "Mean Bean". It reads, "Java Monster. No foam, extra hot, half-caf, no-whip, non-fat, soy latte. Enough of the Coffee House BS already! It's time to get out of the line and step up to what's next. Java Monster...premium coffee and cream, brewed up with killer flavor, supercharged with Monster energy blend. Coffee done the Monster way, wide open, with a take no prisoners attitude and the experience and the know-how to back it up. Java Monster...half the caffeine of regular coffee, Twice the Buzz!".

Caffeine Addict's Java Monster Coffee Nut-Up Review

Nut-Up tastes like you took aabout 1/16th of a snickers bar, and blended it up into a 15oz. can of any of the other "regular" Java Monster flavors. It tastes pretty good, but leaves me thirsty, and leaves what feels like a film on my teeth. In addition, I taste it for hours when I burp (which I do frequently, because I inhale my food, as if someone was trying to take it from me).

Same energy blend as the other Java Monster energy drinks. I did try to take a 15 minute nap about 4 hours after drinking it, but I'm pretty sure that was the crippling depression and not the feebleness of the drink.

Java Monster (and most energy drinks) cost too much. The more I get drinks from Big Lots for pennies on the dollar, the less I'm inclined to give any retail-priced drink a reasonable value rating. Big Lots, Dollar Tree, Sam's Club, BJ's Warehouse or any other place besides a gas station. Look, like a smoker, you need to admit you're an addict and just buy this stuff by the case (carton). If you're going to kill yourself with caffeine, or cigarette carcinogens, at least pay less to do it.

Energy Junkie's Java Monster Coffee Nut-Up Review

I can't decide if "Nut-Up" is supposed to be some sort of clever euphemism, or if the name's just gay. I feel embarrassed for it the whole time I'm drinking it, like the kid at school who thought getting a Cabriolet would make him cool because all the girls drove them.

Nut-Up came out like 2 or 3 years ago, and like all the other attempts to oversaturate the market after the success of the original flavors (except for Java Monster Chai Hai), this flavor pretty much flew under the radar. I found it in the crisper drawer of my refrigerator, for years having assumed it was one of the other "legacy" flavors. Then I was like, "Oh yeah, this flavor exists, we should review it, so someone else will remember it exists."

That being said, it's nothing to write home about, it varies so little from a Mean Bean or a Loca Moca, 95% of people likely wouldn't be able to tell the difference in a blind taste test. I'm not entirely sure this isn't just one of those flavors in a different can. I got really excited about Java Monster's original flavors when they first came out, having been an early adopter of canned coffee back in 1996-1997 (and those tasted almost as bad as Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Asian Experience Energy Drink). I was jacked that Java Monster didn't taste like bitter, extra black coffee with no sugar/cream served cold out of a can, from which most of the flavor was derived. Even with that elation, I was fed up with canned coffees by the time they rolled out these other 34 flavors.

It has the same energy value proposition as the other Java Monster energy drinks, but the more I drink these, the more I realize how heavy they sit in my stomach, which has an unenergizing affect on me. About an hour or two after knocking back almost any Java Monster energy drink, I feel like I have to poop for about four hours until I can actually poop. It feels a little like you've consumed a cup or so of bacon grease (but only a fraction of the delicious flavor). I find myself wanting to take a nap, and sleep off my Thanksgiving dinner of a canned energy coffee.

Overall, this drink is marginally different from the others. It's differentiated mostly by it's more feculent can color, otherwise, it's the same fecal inside the can as 7 of the other 9 flavors. These are $2.29 or more at most places, and I grow more and more weary of them as time goes by. I'm just glad they seemed to have stopped making unsuccessful flavors at the rate Chevy makes unsuccessful car models. Too bad for Hansen the government isn't making legislation and buy-back (because what is a clunker, besides an old GM product?) program specifically to keep them afloat.