X-Presso Monster Hammer

A Fair & Honest Energy Drink Review

X-Presso Monster Hammer Retail Package Description

The X-Presso Monster Hammer Espresso Energy can is mostly black and dark brown. The, text, accents, and "Monster Claw" are in burgundy and/or gold. The rim reads, "Hammer", the "Monster Claw", like all Monster drinks, is in the middle. The bottom text on the front reads, "X-Presso Monster Espresso (skull with red cross-style cross on forehead) Energy". Then, at the very bottom, "Energy Supplement" and "6.75 fl. oz. (200ml).

On the back is a far less, "we're trying really hard to be hip", motivational blurb on the back that reads, "All over Europe they've got those cool little coffee shops that serve killer espresso with creamy foam on top. Our madman in R and D figured out how to get that same smooth texture by injecting potent imported espresso with Nitrous Oxide", (not sure why they capitalize 'Nitrous Oxide', but whatever) "Then we up'd the ante by adding our tried and true Monster energy blend. X-PRESSO MONSTER has a rich creamy texture, imported espresso flavor, and a Monster buzz that just won't quit. Made in Holland, but only available in the USA: What a country....X-Press yourself!" I think I'm going to be sick.

Caffeine Addict's X-Presso Monster Hammer Review

When I was young and more desperate for pier approval, I discovered that coffee and cigarettes were as invigorating a combination as tiger blood and Adonis DNA. One of the reasons I started drinking energy drinks was to replace coffee when I quit smoking, because coffee fueled my cravings for cigarettes. Consequently, my primary interest is in energy sodas, so, regardless of quality, I'm like the honey badger when it comes to new Java Monster flavors.

With that in mind, I bellied up to my computer desk, fully expecting to be unimpressed with Monster Hammer X-Presso. Not only because it will fuel the continued mispronunciation of "espresso", but because it's a smaller, more expensive coffee flavored Monster that I'm required to impartially review. Reading the oft-ridiculous flavor text on the back revealed that Monster Hammer is also nitrogenated with nitrous oxide, like the Nitrous Monster drinks. Monster goes on to say that the nitrous oxide produces the "foamy texture found in Eurpean espresso drinks". This seems logical, since we reported that nitrogenating the Nitrous Monsters changed the texture, it didn't go flat as quickly and it had a different sort of "fizz".

Where Monster Hammer X-Presso succeeds, is in making a foamy-tasting espresso drink that has a reasonable smattering of energy stuffs. The espresso flavor in Hammer is actually less pronounced than the coffee flavor in most Java Monsters. If anything, I think Hammer is under flavored. Where Hammer fails, is in delivering 6.75 fl. oz. of scrumptious beverage for an absurd $1.99-$2.59. If you thought the enjoyment of a 15oz. Java Monster Mean Bean was short lived and overpriced, prepare to be further underwhelmed. Monster Hammer leaves you as unsatisfied as the grossly improperly named "fun size" candy bar. Sure, Hammer is creamy and delicious for the fractions of a second it takes to knock the whole thing back, but when it's gone all you have is some extra energy to regret being a couple of bucks more indebted to China.

Monster Hammer X-presso is arguably the best tasting Java Monster or Nitrous Monster flavor. Conversely, it's one of the worst values (next to Monster Hitman, which should never be used in tandem with the word "value"). The taste and energy are above average, price and quantity are below.

Energy Junkie's X-Presso Monster Hammer Review

At $2.59, this is probably the most expensive, per ounce, energy drink on the market. (Yes, drink, not shot). At 6.75 fl. oz. with a price tag of $2.59, Monster Hammer Espresso weighs in at nearly 40 cents per ounce. That's like hooker perfume prices. The can deceptively looks like an 8.3-8.4 oz (250ml) drink, like Red Bull. Admittedly, the drink foams up a good deal when you open it, so you need that extra room not to make a mess. This does not nullify that you're getting much less beverage than you probably think.

The taste is delicious, and I could drink these all day (and perhaps still take a nap), but with 7% of my daily saturated fat, I probably should refrain. They seriously hit the nail on the head with nitrogenating this drink to get the foamy texture. I feel like the Nitrous Monster is just a gimmick, but with the X-presso, the nitrogenating serves a practical purpose.

One problem with X-Presso Monster is that it's the only mainstream 8.3oz. can size, at least in our area, so rarely is it with either the regular Monster, or with the Java Monsters. I usually find it tucked away in some oddball place, like with canned juices or chocolate milk. For that reason, I didn't even know this existed for months after it was on the market. Additionally, based on the name being "X-presso", instead of "Latte", that it was going to be bitter and powerfully flavored. I find it surprisingly mild. After drinking it, I can see why it's with the chocolate milk.

I don't think there's any talking around the price. The asking price is as outlandish as anything in Pottery Barn.